5 things NOT to do in Malaysia
As you read this post, keep this thought in mind…
A mandatory capital punishment in Malaysia, which is a sentence of public death by hanging, applies to murder, drug trafficking, treason, and waging war against Yang di-Pertuan Agong (the King). For minor offenses another torture is implemented, consisting of a public beating with a rattan or cane, causing permanent scaring of the buttocks.
It was dark, I awoke to shuffling leather shoes on hard concrete. It wasn’t always shuffling — sometimes the click-clack of a prostitute’s stiletto, rummaging of a rat in a rubbish bin across the gap, or just the sound shadows make, would leave me restless. Either way, I would continuously shake off the disturbances with a few quick squeezes of my knife and drift back into dreamworlds in the dark alley.
Mark found me asleep on the street the following morning and with a soft shake said, “We have a room for tonight.”
I showered, rinsed Kuala Lumpur’s street filth off my body, and scrubbed back-in the middle class white boy. Mark was asleep on the bed, so I ventured off to see some of the Malaysian sights. (Like those twin buildings from that movie with Catherine Zeta Jones, where she does all those sexy maneuvers to dodge laser beams, while an aging Sean Connery watches from across the room and drools.)
Looking dumb-faced into a map, a local woman came over and asked if I needed any help. Most locals that speak a bit of English, love using it and will most likely ask you the same questions. (Where are you from?, How long have you been here?, etc.) It turns out, her sister is going on an exchange program to San Diego in a few months. So, after asking me loads of questions relating to California she finally says,
“My family is all home for new year. It will be good if you talk with my sister. I don’t know what she need to know and I bet she have many question about California. Can you go with me and meet my sister?”
#1 – DON’T GET INTO CARS WITH STRANGERS
So, I got into her car… which was parked down the road at a convenience store, and we headed for her uncles house in the suburbs about 15 minutes away from town. Her niece answered the door submissively, asked if I wanted anything to drink, shown me to the living room, and introduced me to the uncle. The three of them exchanged a few words in Malay. Then, I was informed the sister left for some kind of work errand at the hospital and would be back shortly. The two girls disappeared to gab in the kitchen, and I started a conversation with the uncle.
We talked for about 30 minutes before he eventually said what his job was… He was the head dealer in a local casino’s VIP room, but he also arranges games for clients on the side. For instance, just this morning he helped some clients set up a game of gambling Mahjong, which he then makes tips from the winnings. He said he made 500 dollars in tips this morning, because his client won quite a lot of money. After telling me what happens differently in a VIP room, verses commercial tables, with different games, (poker, blackjack, etc.) He asks.”Would you like to know some tips for blackjack?” I agreed and promised not to tell anybody his tips.
Thinking the tips would deal with more strategic betting for certain cards and percentages of outcomes, I was sorrily mistaken. It was his way of cheating so his clients were almost guaranteed to win. In the middle of the uncle’s teaching, he received a call from a client wanting to set up a game of Mahjong at the casino. He told the client to come over to his house first, because they have a guest from visiting from california and he would like him to meet me.
The silked shirted client walked in with briefcase in hand. We talked for a bit about his job dealing with diamonds…
Then the uncle asked, “Would you two like to play a few quick games of blackjack, before we leave for the casino.”
“Lets play mahjong!” said the client.
“I don’t know how to play mahjong,” said I.
“How about blackjack?” questioned the uncle, with a wink.
“Ok, just a few games,” said the client reluctantly.
#2 – DON’T GAMBLE.
I shuffled the cards, the client split. During the uncle’s dealing of the cards I questioned the him about the differences between commercial games of blackjack and the VIP version we were going to play, to show the client that I wasn’t previously trained in this game. The uncle gave me a signal showing he was going to help me win, after all he did loan me the 200 dollars to be in the game.
#3 – DON’T GAMBLE WITH MONEY YOU DON’T HAVE… EVEN IF CHEATING.
After quite a few sweaty hands I was up to a winnings of about of 5,000 dollars. The client signaled that this would be the last hand so he could go play mahjong. Everybody agreed. The cards were delt… since the client was bunker this round, I could see his top card, a King. He didn’t call blackjack according to the rules, therefore his bottom card couldn’t have been an Ace, the most had was 20. In my hand was jack and five… but with the help of uncle, I knew the next card dealt to me, a six, putting me at 21. I asked for another card and bet modestly.
The client pulled out his black briefcase, banging it loudly on the table, and flipped the metal latches. He pulled out a three inch bound stack of hundred dollar bills…
“I bet 50,000!” he exclaimed.
Having never seen that much money in real life, I thought… this can’t really happening, doesn’t this sort of thing only happen in movies. Sweat started dripping off my already moist forehead.
#4 – DON’T BET OUTSIDE YOUR LIMITS
Sure I’m in… then accused him of bluffing. He asked if I was good for my money.
I lied, “Yep, It will pretty much max my entire bank account but I can cover it.”
“I want to see your money. You’ve seen mine, it’s right there. Where is yours?”
Here comes trouble… I looked to the uncle for help, he asked to speak with me outside, to set up some sort of arrangement. After looking at my cards outside, he exclaimed that we won. The uncle knew I didn’t have any money and he said it would take a few days for him to arrange the funds. We would have to postpone the game a “few hours”, so I could go to a bank.
We all placed our cards in envelopes and into a safe, along with his money. The key was given to the client and he left for the casino until we called him to come back in.
#5 – DON’T HANG AROUND AFTER SCREWING SOME HIGH ROLLER OUT OF $50,000
(I’m going to actually follow this rule)
“So what… like you switch the cards later, huh?” I alluded to the uncle.
“What do you mean Mr. Brad?”
“Is there even a sister?”
“Yes… is there not trust here? Beacause if there isn’t trust and respect we can’t continue.”
“Can I talk to her?”
“I’ll call her.”
A Malaysian girl answered the phone. I asked her where in California she was exchanging to, she heavily hesitated and kept saying she must go to work. Then, finally spouted Santa Clara, or Santa Barbara or San Jose… “OK thank you,” I said. “See you later.”
“OK… hey, I believe you… sorry… I just get freaked out worrying about so much money… plus I just met you… you know?”
“Since there isn’t trust I am going to cancel the game,” he said. “I think that would be best for everybody. We’ll just say you had to go and don’t have time to get the money. My client will understand, so all I will be out is my 200 dollars which he will give back.”
“Yes, that is probably best.”
On the drive home the sister kept saying how sorry she was, because her sister didn’t show up and we all could meet later. Without hesitation on my part, we arranged to meet the next day for breakfast at 9:00 AM at a neutral territory of KFC across from the bus station.
After being dropped off near the bus station, I ran through it, for fear of being followed to my hostel. I woke Mark, told him the story and seriously considered changing my appearance. (Almost shaved my beard) Fearing for my life we purchased bus tickets for 9:00 AM the next day. We left Malaysia after 32 hours, it would have been 12 hours earlier but our room had air-conditioning so we decided to spend the night.
I will never know what lay in wait for me at that KFC… but it wouldn’t have been pleasant.
February 18th, 2008
