Drunk Driver - A blue 4 door truck swerved radically to the side of the road, quickly after seeing our outstretched thumbs.
“Hope yal doesn’t mind, just popped a cold one,” said the heavily accented kiwi, as he opened the passenger door and tossed us cold beers.
“Uhh… no problem,” I responded while looking at the two crushed cans at his feet. ”Whats the limit in New Zealand anyway?”
“Well I’s a big guy… maybe bout five.”
After hearing of our world trip, he proceeded in telling us his Thailand hooker stories. Not just one story, but multiple…Yes, they all involved him. We arrived at our destination and we had just finished our second beer; he had finished his fourth. Upon exit I informed mark of the two emptys by his feet. He laughed and said, “There were three others in the back!”
Mauri Gang Member Truck Driver - This giant was about 6’6, 300 pounds, dark skinned and covered with tattoos. His large flat teacup sized nose could smell my fear. I was the size of his arm.
“I’s pick up loads of hitcher’s, most of ’em girls!” he said proudly and pointed to the bed attached to his cab. “None of them ’ave call’d out rape yet. Der was dis tiny Asian who cried once… dose be tears of joy dough mate, I’s am big gui yah know.”
Scared and bewildered I asked what his tattoos meant. Yep, they were gang symbols. He was an ex-soldier for some Mauri gang and very reluctant to tell me tales. Finally, after much qestioning, he coughed up some information. During a battle against a rival, both clans agreed no weapons. He brought a set of spiked iron claws and most likely killed a few men. Now I knew why there were so many spousal abuse signs throughout New Zealand.
December 11th, 2007
Malaria Mondays is done with for now. Don’t worry it will be back again as soon as we reach Thailand. Taking it’s place is a new category called Crazy Characters, were we will be describing the wackos we meet along the way.
- Fried Food Queen - Mark and I were attending the best all you can eat buffet, that either of us have been to. When a 60 year old woman moved like lightning to the front of the cue. Her curly gray hair was flapping in her wake as she parted the crowd. She reappeared with a full plate of grease. The full mound was pulsating with artery clogging: calamari, empanadas, pineapple, pears, and spring rolls… all fried. She sat right behind me, so Mark monitored her and her EKG.
“She’s finished!” he exclaimed.
“No bloody way,” I said and swiveled my entire body around to marvel the feat. “I knew I would find my first wife in an all you can eat buffet.”
She got up and went over, turned her nose up at the salad bar, and filled another heaping platter of fried delights. During her second feast she looked up at the sounds of our laughter, glared at us and continued with her heart attack.
- Airport Janitor- Our first experience with a wacko during the trip was in the San Francisco airport. We were emptying our packs of any item that was accidentally packed. I rid myself of some extra weight and unloaded my broken pencil collection and an extra white cotton sock that slipped in. I safely put these object in an almost full trash receptacle. A young looking, airport badge wearing janitor with enough grease in his slicked back hair to open a fast food restaurant, walked up to the trash bin. Like a trash sniffing hound dog he twitched and sniffed the air. Something good must have caught his scent because he thrust his hand into the receptacle and pulled out my sock. YEUREKA and whats this… 2 broken warn out pencils and a non-working pen… HIT THE JACKPOT! He then strolled over to “Empty” another bin, preformed the same maneuver and pulled out another totally useless item.
- Club 69 Cast- Our first transvestite homoerotic techno dance club experience in Argentina… or anywhere for that matter. I have included an artists rendering for your viewing pleasure. After all, a picture is worth a thousand gaymen… I mean spankings, NO NO words. Click the drawing for a larger version.
After much rhythmic fake humping and erotic teasing by the cast, the show concluded with an incredibly gorgeous looking stripper. There wasn’t a closed eye or dry lip in the crowd. Yep, you guessed it… post-opp. She has the scars to prove it.
November 14th, 2007
